omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
