i love accidental penises.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
