Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
