dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
we should paint friendship bongs
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
