The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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