I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
