how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
