Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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