I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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