Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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