I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
