im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
