they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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