o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Come see our sink grown plant.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
