we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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