I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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