So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
