Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
