I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
"it" just moved
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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