garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
if you like me you must not know who I am
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
