You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
