So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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