come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I want her autograph on my taint
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
