he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
