put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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