I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
