I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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