they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
