Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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