omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
