My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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