OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
