Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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