Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
