I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
