took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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