well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
