Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
