There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he fucked my hip out of place.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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