Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
