My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
