It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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