I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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