OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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