Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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