textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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