I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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