Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
