I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I wear drunk well.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
