im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
