I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
